It has been stated that I do not often write of philosophy, but of events. I do not deny that this is true. Often it is easier to write of events when there are such people reading the contents. Had I no friends, no one to connect my face with my rants, I would probably be a lot more blatant. As for tonight, you will have to forgive me. I have taken my night time allergy pill and am waiting for the all too familiar flush of delirium to take over my mind. When it does, I cannot be held accountable for anything that might accidentally flow from my fingers.
I am not lonely. That I find relieving. I have been so lonely for so long. And yet, I have not been lately. There are always those times, of course, when you feel as though no one understands… as though no one is willing to expend the energy to try. But it has been less common lately. Perhaps the people I associate with are different. No, it is the situation. It is because I have things to do. Many things, positive, forward-moving things, that fill my mind. My agenda is full and my mind is challenged. I always make better decisions when my mind is challenged. I do still have the regret, the pain and shame, the fear. Always the fear. But, there are things more powerful than fear. I am more powerful than the fear. I shall not be ruled.
I think that part of my peace has come from the children. It’s as though spending much of my day explaining life lessons to children, then encouraging them to play while they can causes me to realize the life lessons I need. For them I must always be certain, always sure. I cannot hesitate. In life, there is right and wrong. There is no theory, no middle ground, and there are no gray areas to them. There is right and wrong, time-out and reward. And I must have concrete and consistent principles in order to maintain their respect. That, in itself, is challenging. It keeps me sane. It keeps me real. It is amazing the emotions that these children can cause in me. Though they are not mine, I feel proud when they make a good choice, saddened when they do not. I am honored to have a part in their lives.
Perhaps, though, the children merely exhaust me so, I fall in bed contentedly each night. Telling myself it is because I have peace, when truly it is lack of remaining ATP that causes my elation in the sheets. And on that note, it is time to retire.